“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”–E. B. White

What am I doing with my life? If I’m being honest, I have to admit that it’s a lot, but not much at the same time. As I think about my hard work over the last few years to get into student services, finish my master’s degree, and get a grown-up job, I have to take at least some satisfaction in knowing that I have accomplished something. However, as fate would have it, what I thought I wanted wasn’t really what I wanted.

I can feel the lack of congruence between what I do and what I want to do. Or what I know would be best for me. And then I think about all the things that other people want me to do. Makes my head spin.

Further, I am observing a trend among successful people – doing stuff. They don’t just sit around and plan everything that they’re going to do. They go out and do things and look back to say – wow, that worked out well. Or that they’d do it differently next time.  Now, I know that’s not always the case, but it doesn’t necessarily even matter for me because I am the type of person who needs routine. And a plan. I need to have a defined, well-thought-out set of goals that I’m working toward. Otherwise, I can’t get moving. I just get depressed and overwhelmed, and then don’t do anything.

Of late, I’ve had some improving success with getting a short list of goals established in my mind before I get out of bed. That helps me feel propelled forward into my day. I want to incorporate this more. Here’s where the problem comes in, though.

I always have more goals than I can possibly accomplish in one day and I am always forced to choose between being responsible and following my heart.

Here’s a snippet of the usual internal dialogue:

Head:  Keep working at your dumb job even though you hate it. You need the money. And besides, it isn’t like you’re going to be stuck there forever…. Apply for other jobs if you want. You just need to pay off the credit cards and get working on your student loans.

Heart:  But I hate my job. It seriously makes me sick. Literally. Writing is what I want to do. Why would I waste another minute doing something else? It is not going to get any easier to get away from that dumb job.

Head:  *rolls eyes* You know that you could do both. You’re just being lazy.

Heart:  *hands on hips* You know it takes me like 3 days to recuperate from one day at my miserable job.

Head:  Yeah, we have to figure out a way to deal with that.

Heart:  I think we need to start going to yoga at least a few times per week.

Head:  Do you know how expensive that is? How are we going to get done paying off the stupid credit cards and student loans if you’re wasting 80 bucks a month on yoga when you could do it at home.

Heart:  But, there’s something about the energy of yoga class that makes it more effective. I don’t know how to explain it. But wouldn’t it be better if I could find a balance so that I could deal with my horrible job for another year?

Head:  You can’t find balance in the living room for free?

Heart:  You are impossible.

So it goes. At any rate, I need to find a way to balance my priorities. Or maybe even find a way for them to co-exist. That would be great.

Anybody have any advice?

 

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